I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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