I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
