I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
