Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Life is so much better after having sex.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
