I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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