the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
