He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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