dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
