toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
