Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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