yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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