do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize