I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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