My sheets look like a crime scene.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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