I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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