My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
