Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize