I am spending my child support on dildos
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
