Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Randomize
