I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize