he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
