You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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