did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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