mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
