cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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