i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
