I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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