i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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