you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
