we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
