Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
