i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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