how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
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