my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
