i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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