i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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