ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
