I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
