Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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