Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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