I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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