Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
