You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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