I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
