i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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