Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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