He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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