I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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