I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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