You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
