Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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