you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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