This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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