Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
