I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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