another moral hangover. fuck.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
