This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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