we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
