No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize