...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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