found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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